I definitely understand that a traditional wedding may be a bit much, and how you’d rather focus on the core elements of your wedding — like GETTING MARRIED! Believe me, I get it! But it can be anxiety inducing to think about how to tell your family and friends that you want to elope (or have already). Even though people understand that wedding planning is stressful, it can be hard to shut out others' expectations. .
Most couples agonize over trying to validate everyone else’s opinions about what the best day of their life should be like. It’s easy to get lost in trying to please everyone else, like making sure mom’s second cousin has a designated seat at the reception.
But not you; you’re going against the grain. You’re not getting hung up on all the fluff. You’ve decided to stay true to the core reason you’re getting married – each other. Keeping the commitment you’re making and the journey that got you here at the center of your wedding day, is straight up brave.
Cutting out all of the noise makes it sound simple, right? But eloping definitely isn’t taking the easy way out. Creating a meaningful elopement experience takes some thought and a little planning. Most of our family and friends had traditional weddings. Which is great! And even though you have a clear vision and solid reasons for eloping, it doesn’t always mean that the people in your life will ‘get it.’ Speaking from experience, I know it can be scary to think about telling your people that eloping is what’s right for you.
So how do you announce your elopement to your family? First, let’s talk about if you’d like to tell them before or surprise them with your exciting news after the I Dos.
WHEN SHOULD WE TELL THEM?
The short answer is: when you’re ready. Eloping means that you get to do things on your own terms. No rules, no expectations to live up to, and no need to rush. Make this decision the same way you solidified your decision to elope — be honest with yourself and think about will bring you the most joy. Try to get into your elopement day mindset and imagine how you’ll feel if you share this information with them versus if you allow it to remain a secret between you and your partner. Make your decision based on what will allow you to be fully present, wrapped up in every emotion that finds you that day. Don’t let how you think your family will react determine what is going to be best for you.
If you want to tell them before you elope, the timing may depend on how involved you’d like them to be. If you tell them after, take as much time as you need. For core friends and family, try to make it personalized or in person so they know they're valued. Make use of social media to blast everyone else with the awesome news.
HOW TO ANNOUNCE YOUR ELOPEMENT
IF YOU TELL FAMILY BEFORE YOU ELOPE
Leading up to your elopement, be transparent about what you’d like your hypothetical wedding to look and feel like. You can even drop hints when talking to your loved ones. One bride said that she had mentioned to her cousins that her dream elopement would be at the end of a hike in the woods in Washington. So when that plan actually came to fruition, they weren’t surprised in the least.
You shouldn’t feel like you need to justify your reasons for wanting to elope. When it comes down to it, your wedding is about making the experience authentic to who YOU are, not entertaining unsolicited opinions or adhering to traditions that hold no meaning to you.
But in all likelihood, deciding to elope will not come as a shock to the people you love. Because they know you! Telling the people you love will not be ‘breaking it to them’ as if it’s some devastating news they have to sit with for months on end. It’s probable that the people who love you know that a traditional wedding is not your dream scenario. Your fam may have their own expectations and opinions to get past, but just remember, this is the best day of your life; it’s not about anyone else.
Lean on your partner, support each other, remember and convey that you made this decision together because it’s the right way to start your life together.
So how do you actually tell them??
Here are a few suggestions:
IN PERSON
If you can tell them in person, do. If you can’t tell them in person, try to FaceTime or have a Zoom date with them to make it warm and personable. Be honest and loving, yet firm. It’s understandable that most people won’t understand the developed concept of eloping and why it’s important to you, but it will help them along to actually being able to SEE how excited you are and how much it means to you.
SHARE DETAILS
Share your vision with them by actually showing them. Create a virtual inspiration board, or show off your elopement photographer's work. It will be hard not to get excited for you when they see for themselves how special elopements are.
TALK ABOUT YOUR REASONS
Take time to go over the reasons why this is what is right for you and your partner. Talk about details and how the day will go down. Explain to them this is not shameful, nor are you trying to exclude them. Rather, it’s an intentional decision you’re making, because this is the most genuine way you can think to commit yourself to the person you’ve chosen forever.
A few reasons couples have expressed a traditional wedding isn’t right for them:
- Channeling our energy, time, and finances toward a meaningful experience was our priority, not a big party we’d be too stressed out to enjoy
- We want to save up to buy a house
- We’d rather spend money on travel/honeymoon
- We’re not big on lots of attention, so having a ton of people we’re not super close to watch these really intimate moments feels inauthentic
- It just doesn’t feel like us
- We just don’t connect with traditional weddings and wedding rituals
- We wanted to be more creative with how we committed our lives to each other
WHAT IF WE WANT TO INCLUDE OUR FAMILY IN OUR ELOPEMENT?
You absolutely can!! When I say you can do whatever you want, I mean you can do WHATEVER you want!!!
TELLING FAMILY AFTER YOU’VE ELOPED
There are so many sweet and fun ways to announce your elopement. Finding ways to make your people feel special and valued will help immensely to get people excited for you. Not everyone will be as stoked as you are right away that you eloped, but that’s okay! With a little time, they’ll come to a place of full on support.
Think about FaceTiming them after you’ve tied the knot, maybe even while you’re still at your chosen elopement spot! Consider writing letters to read to them to convey your love appreciation for them.
You don’t have to make a hard choice of only eloping or having a party. You can elope AND have a big celebration with the people you love most.
HAVE ALL THE DINNER PARTIES
Have separate sit down dinners or gatherings with your friend groups or branches of your family to tell them that you’ve eloped. Bring photos (ask your photographer for a sneak peek), or give them a framed photo as a gift. Seeing your joy and the real emotion you felt on your wedding day will help them understand why it was so important to get married in this special way.
SEND OUT CARDS ANNOUNCING YOUR ELOPEMENT
If you’re planning a post-elopement party or reception, you can send out your elopement announcements and include a save-the-date using your elopement photos.
They can say things like:
You can even send out invites or announcements via email!
- We eloped!
- Happily ever after-party
- We said ‘I Do’ now we want to party with you!
WHAT IF WE’VE BEEN PLANNING A WEDDING BUT WANT TO SCRAP THAT IDEA AND ELOPE INSTEAD?
This happens WAY more often than you’d think! Wedding planning is a huge task. Actually, ‘task’ is too tame of a word. It can be an overwhelming, life-altering ordeal for the months that you’re trying to put together a party for 100+ people. I’ve checked in with brides who had planned a traditional wedding and then opted to elope instead. If you’ve sent out Save the Dates, send out Un-Save the Date cards. Using a little humor can get people on your side really quickly. No explanation is needed; just clue folks in on your plan so they know what to expect. This will help them feel valued. Let them know you’d love to celebrate with them after. If you have a plan for when that will be, notate the date in your Un-Save card. If not, simply say TBD.
TO SUM UP
Eloping isn’t a cop out, and it’s not about creating a shortcut or escape route for you and your partner. It’s an intentional, empowering, brave decision you’ve made so the day (and the days leading up to it) remains about the love between you and your partner. Eloping is also not about exclusion. You can absolutely ask your family and friends to help you with your planning process or bring them along!
Showing that you love your partner doesn’t mean you must declare it in front of dozens of people. You can have an intimate ceremony, just the two of you, filled with meaning and intention.
Keep in mind, rules and expectations don’t determine how you get married. If including family and friends will add to your experience and feels authentic to you, bring them along. Keep an open mind, and be honest with yourself about what’s important to you. Let that help you determine how your day will look and feel.
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